Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
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Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Cow it started Cow it’s going
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.