Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
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Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport