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Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.