[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
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before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.