TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
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I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
step 6: release the wall snake
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Sign at work today
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*