Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
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in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
That de-escalated quickly
repaired
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
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If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg