Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
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[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
…u ok Nintendo?
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together