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That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Butt weight. There’s more!
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Love is always patient and kind.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.