The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
You Might Also Like
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
The Others (2001)
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
*pronounces patio like ratio
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”