Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
You Might Also Like
But wait…
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Please do it!
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots