Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
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I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I know this now 😂
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board