I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
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[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
me when the borders lift
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Seems kinda suspicious
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.