*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
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I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird