People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
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there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.