Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
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Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
when dads have a rap battle
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
found this cool rock hiking today
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom