Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
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Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that