Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
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I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I love wikipedia
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
pep talk
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats