Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
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The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….