“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
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Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales