Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
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Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you