Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
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fourth time’s the charm
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.