Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
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[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”