Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
You Might Also Like
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Please do it!
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.