Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
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2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
The big book of baby names but for safe words