Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
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Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
the dark web is just a goth google.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”