Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
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Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
This headline is a thing of beauty
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Customer is always right
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.