Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
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My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-