Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
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1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.