Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
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I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.