They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
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I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit