Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
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I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]