My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
You Might Also Like
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house