ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
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I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
huge if true: the moon
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon