Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
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If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture