Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
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Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
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Try and stop me.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing