[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
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*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.