Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
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The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.