The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
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I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
🤔😂😂
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…