“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
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If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona