Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
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Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏