No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
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It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.