Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
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Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Not recommended for beginners.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Said the murderer.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”