Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
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I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind