“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
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Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Ironic
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.