what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
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me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it