Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
NASA has no chill
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.