Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
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That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks