If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
You Might Also Like
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo