[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
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FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not