My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
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When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
love it when they get my name right
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning